For Part 1, go here.
These pictures are from three years ago when we were at my parents’ house for Thanksgiving. Since we do not have piles of leaves in our immediate area, it was like an amusement park for my girls.
A short story about the half-Hispanic/half-Iranian boys from the last post. The girls were more rude to them than the other boys in class. The boys were not actually rude to them, but just avoided them. One day for their art class, most of their class was late except for the two boys I liked so much. As people trickled in, the seats filled up, and of course the last seats available were the ones by the two. The most obnoxious girl of all came in last, and there was no place for her to sit except beside one of the twins. She made a HUGE scene. Not being a “real teacher” and having little “teeth” last year to effectively manage problem behavior, I told her to sit down or go back to her class. But those nice boys got someone to trade with them so they were next to another more unpopular student so the mean girl could sit with her friends. I do not know if she thought about that, but I hope someday the memory is at least a small wake-up call.
Chic is the top of her class. Last year she was in 1st grade and was in a classroom with 1st and 2nd graders. She was ahead of everyone in reading, spelling and math. We knew long before Chic ever went to school she would be a star scholastically, so we have worked with her since before Kindergarten to help her understand that although she understands school subjects better than a lot of people and is ahead, she is not better than anyone. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, and just because she can do some things better than most kids does not mean they cannot do some things better than her. She understands this. We have made every effort to assure her humility, and it seems to have been successful. But this does not mean other parents have done the same. Chic is mocked severely for being ahead of her class. This happened a little last year, but to a greater degree this year.
Although Chic easily overheats, she does not like wearing shorts to school because they show her muscular legs. She has not a bit of fat on her body, but her legs are bigger than all of the rest of the girls, and they make fun of her because she is different than they are. Yes, she can run faster and jump higher than any of them, and she is chosen for teams right away, but because she looks different, she is fodder for derision. (And seeing other behavior in the children, I sometimes wonder if part of it also has to do with her pale skin and red hair.)
Forgive me for being irritated that I am doing all I can to raise well-behaved, good-mannered, kind and caring children who do their best to excel at whatever they attempt (at least the first one–the jury is way out on whether the second one will even care about excelling) when it seems like the parents of my daughters’ peers are not bothering to raise them much at all and are apparently modeling inappropriate behavior. As parents I feel like Prince Charming and I might have failed Chic because we taught her humility, not how to face the bullies. We wanted to make sure she would not be a bully. We never dreamed one so successful in everything she does would be treated with such disrespect. (We are diligently working on this now. Should we tell her when people make fun of her legs to say, “At least I don’t have skinny bird legs like you!” No, that is not how we believe anyone should be treated. But it is difficult to teach a child humility without putting them in a position of getting squashed in school.)
When I was in elementary school, I remember my parents talking about a relative who married an African-American. (Let’s go back more than 30 years to near the very center of the United States.) During the discussion these words came out of my mom’s mouth: “It doesn’t bother me what they do, but it’s the kids who will suffer.” That caught my attention. I said, “Why does it hurt the kids?” Both of my parents explained that they would be neither “white” nor “black,” so neither family or race would fully accept them. I asked why. They explained how people do not accept people not like themselves. I said, “But your making the statement in the first place shows that you think they are different.” I loved my parents, and I truly think there were not much better ones put anywhere in the world, but potentially a filter in what they said in front of my brother and I would have been wise at such a time. Statements like that in front of children would likely encourage children treat the “unfortunate” children differently in most cases. It is no different today.
My belief is that most parents — if they even think about it — want their children to be replicas of themselves; they want them to have the same opinions and beliefs. (Maybe deep down I want that, too, but if it happens, I want them to arrive there on their own, not because I told them to or showed them no other options.) Most parents in my realm (I can only speak for my small corner of the world) have not been educating their children to accept all people as I attempt to educate mine. Maybe in more cosmopolitan areas there is more tolerance for people not like oneself, but I have not seen much in the places I have lived.
But I am going to say that from my experience in Blogland, there might be tolerance for people who are different in ethnicity, but not a lot of tolerance for differences of opinion. No, not everyone is like that, but I really am amazed at the statements I see coming out of blogs with abject criticism of people with differing opinions–not just criticism of these opinions, but also of the people who have them. (And if you are reading this, you are likely not the writer of one of the blogs to which I refer.)
I am much too cynical realistic to think the lack of tolerance in the world is ever going to dramatically change. But I can assure you, it will not even budge if people cannot handle a viewpoint that is not their own without attacking (even mentally) the person who holds it. And if people cannot refrain from attacking people not like them, no matter in what way, I do not see a better future for anyone.
This is the end of my “tolerance” post. It was originally one, but it ended up way too long, so I cut it in half. There will soon be more on things that I believe relate to this topic and society in general and how all of that relates to our family.
November 13, 2009 at 5:56 pm
I was reading your post “Tolerance part 1” that’s unbelievable it’s so awful to think that people even in this day and age can still be bothered about the colour of a person’s skin. I mean, does it really matter what colour/shade your skin is? Who cares if you’re Spanish, Italian, Greek, (substitute any other culture)? We don’t have “white” schools here – most of our schools have a mix of children from different backgrounds and cultures. In the north western suburbs there tend to be more “multicultural” schools than in the south eastern suburbs, but that is probably because people from other countries settled in these areas.
I am sorry you and your daughters are going through such a terrible time – it doesn’t say much for these people’s “Christian values” does it? Some of the most God-fearing, Bible-bashing, holier-than-thou are the most bigotted and intolerant little so-and-sos. I agree with you – parents shouldn’t tell their children how to vote and who to vote for – they need to make up their own minds.
I hope the days ahead are a little better and things improve.
Keep smiling and enjoy the beauty of nature around you.
Melbourne Daily Photo
November 13, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Louise, you can only do for your own children and hope they will demonstrate and pass along these marvelous traits. Thinking for yourself and being nice to everybody. Your girls are beautiful in every way.
November 13, 2009 at 10:46 pm
This two-part post is poignant and should be read by everyone. Your message is something all of us need to hear and heed. Thank you very much and God bless you and your family.
November 13, 2009 at 11:56 pm
You did the right thing and are doing the right thing. I have always been a “don’t take any crap from anyone” sort of parent, but my kids will tell you that I also tell them to ask themselves why a person might act in a mean fashion, or act snobby, etc. My older daughter once came home after getting into an argument at school and said, “Honest Moma (that’s how she spells it!) I couldn’t think of one reason why she would call me gross because I have warts on my finger. So I told her at least I can have my warts taken off but her whole face is stuck there forever.” I have to admit that I smiled… Not because she might have hurt the other kid’s feelings (well maybe I smiled a little) but that she stood up for her own. Oldest Boy Child however has always been 10 feet taller and bigger than any one of his peers and we have just about drilled into him that he is NOT to fight back…that was until Middle School. An inner city school where kids fight to be cool, be accepted, release frustration from home, and many sad issues. After the second time he was jumped, and even with the possibility that he could end up in juvenile court, I told him, “If someone lays his hands on you first, you kick their ass!” It became a matter of self defense, Well, the third time (within one year) that a kid literally jumped my son was his last day at that school, The offender went to juvey and my son came home to be schooled. Next year is a ?. He wants to go to highschool in the same inner city area. He will be in the art program which is separated from the rest of the school. Well see…Oh! Gosh! Sorry so long,
November 14, 2009 at 8:14 am
First of all: it’s wonderful to see your girls play with the leaves. They could come overhere to play, we have a lot of leaves in our garden … 🙂
We’ve been writing about the problem of raising children some time ago, I think. I admire the way you learn your children to be tolerant. Many people could learn something about this, not only in the USA, but in the Netherlands as well. Tolerance is decreaing overhere as well, I’m afraid.
Enjoy your weekend!
November 14, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Louise, these are tough issues to deal with. What I’ve noticed in the blogosphere is that some bloggers are there for the fight and it’s a pleasure for them. That isn’t true of everyone who blogs, certainly not the ones I follow regularly which cover the gamut: daily life, books, photography, nature, science, politics. Rather like your blog and the readers of it.
But I’m also open-mouthed at the animosity that often exists and don’t get it. Is it genetic? Is it culture?
Our neighbourhood is diverse and when elections were held in our school, all 3 national parties were well represented. I didn’t hear any hint of backbiting about it.
The neighbourhood and school culture is one of tolerance (except for bullying which isn’t) and the school fosters this in many ways. It isn’t just lip service.
When I was a kid, smart kids were picked on in my school, so were unathletic kids. But I haven’t seen that here. Quite the opposite. I see admiration and I see kids hanging out together though they are different in abilities and interests.
I’m probably not seeing a representative sample, because I’m looking through the lens of my kids and their friends.
It’s been so nice that I’m concerned about middle school and wonder whether that will continue.
I don’t know if this is encouraging or discouraging, but it says to me that tolerance is slowly making its way around.
On the other hand, there have been lots of places where people of different backgrounds lived in harmony for hundreds of years (Mulims and Hindus in India; Jews, Muslims and Christians in the Levant) only to have prejudice and violence break out and be seemingly irreversible.
Honestly I just don’t get it. But you have to bring your children up in your faith, which includes more than your religion, but also your understanding of it and your view of the universe.
It sounds like both the white families and the Haspanic families share intolerant cultures and that is sad for everyone in my eyes.
I don’t have an answer about bullying. There are some good online resources (the W.I.S.E. program?). Different approaches work better for different kids and situations.
The photos are beautiful and I’m looking forward to reading your future posts on these and similar topics.
November 14, 2009 at 3:38 pm
I really enjoyed your two part post on tolerance. It was very well thought out, maybe because you took a year to think about it? I agree with you on so many levels. I know what it’s like to be teased for having big legs, but I was not athletic or coordinated so I got teased for that. We worked hard to teach our kids tolerance of different people in a very homogenous culture, white Utah. I think we succeeded on that end, but what a challenge. I do sometimes wonder at so-called Christians who seem to be quite prejudiced but have no insight there. I am appalled at online comments and bigotry. Is it the anonymity that makes people feel like it’s ok? So many things to think about!
November 14, 2009 at 3:39 pm
As if I didn’t write enough, I have another thought.
Intolerance is based on fear: of not being good enough or having enough, of outsiders taking something away.
And that fear then gets a life of its own as its acted upon, making others fearful too.
The opposite is true. Kindness begets kindness. There is a remarkable book, called Not by the Sword: How a Cantor and His Family Transformed a Klansman. The title says most of it. A violent white supremacist was befriended by the Jewish man he hated, and through his persistence, made a complete change in his heart and life.
November 15, 2009 at 8:24 am
Still stunned that these kinds of things are still happening in our world.
I love the photos– they’re true photos of happy children and yet the post tells us that children are emulating parents in their racism and bigotry. THIS is what kids should be doing– playing and enjoying the sunshine, not carrying on a parents character flaws 😦
November 15, 2009 at 11:10 am
When in elementary school (2nd grade), because I was bigger than most children (by the time I was 11-12, I was 5’10”!) some girls thought I should disrobe from the waist down to prove I was a girl. Children can be so cruel but it is the parents who must stay on top of the situation. Kudos for you for teaching your girls to be human and not crazy little animals like most children I meet in public. It is learned behavior to mock, ridicule and tear down what we do not understand or what we cannot put into the tiny spaces in our minds. My sister pulled her son out of private school because some boys of wealthy benefactors of the school were allowed to run a muck and bully the other children with no repercussions for fear of losing much needed funding.
We should all be teaching the children around us etiquette, rational thinking and manners. How to be humans and not animals.These are the future adults who will be making political decisions for us.
November 15, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Louise, what nice pictures of your girls among the leaves!
November 15, 2009 at 9:59 pm
No doubt the parent of these kids would believe that they are teaching their kids the best way to behave. They’d believe that of themselves. I’m sorry that Chic is on the receiving end of such nonsense. Muscular legs? That’s what they’ve got to worry about? Geesh.
Your kidlets make for very beautiful photo subjects.
November 16, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Sigh .. nothing has changed since I was Chic’s age apparently .. how very sad….. not having children of my own I have not been witness to this stagnation of manners.
November 16, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I guess nothing changes with the years. Maybe only- as you mentioned – in highly cosmopolitan areas, but even there I have my doubts. If I think gay and Perez Hilton for ex., I would say that this is exactly the kind of behaviour your trying to keep your kids away from. The rule is simple, I guess: those mean and with a big mouth will try to make the rules. On a long run thou, I believe the world belongs to the educated ones. The success too. So teach your child to be strong, to know her value and to value it. Show her support and love. I am sure she will soon meet people of “her kind”: that is bright, brave, strong, caring and modest. And I am also sure that you are doing a great job as a parent as we speak. And I can only say well done, well written too, for all of us, who were or are a little bit different.
November 17, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. This is what I love about our country (USA). But one thing that has been lost over the years is respect. Which is what I think, mainly is the topic of this post. If we respected one another, we would respect the other’s opinion. Not that we have to agree with it, but that we respect the other enough to LET them have an opinion. I agree with you, Louise. We should not look at the outward appearence of anyone, but at the person inside. I have met many people online through mine and other blogs. Most of them…I have no idea what they look like. But I like what they write, that I read, and gives me a look at their inner self.
November 19, 2009 at 6:01 am
I write a very good post and it made me think again.
Me to teach humility, not how to face the bullies.
I have to think about that one now and see how I can make thinks diffrent.
When I grow up I alway needed to be told I did right and good and now it is difficult because even if I do right and good the are no parents around to tell me that and I do not think I I doing things right (sorry if it does not make any sense for you, so much I want to say but difficult to write in English)
I hope both you and the children will always bee as happy as you show them in this post!!!
Love Maria Berg, Sweden.
November 19, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Oh Louise. Thank you for being that parent. There is a little of this at MQs school, but not much. I have been pleased with how little. What a shame that so many parents don’t see things the same way.
I know that I am not perfect in always being open to the opinions of others, but I do try, and try to teach and model that in my home. I am so surrounded by people who think differently from me on so many levels that I really do have to focus on what it is that we DO agree on. And there is almost always something. And often a lot.
I think I am most intolerant of intolerance. It really gets me when someone assumes that I have to the think the same way as them, or I am WRONG or EVIL. (even with people whom I agree… let’s not be so self-righteous!) There’s no kindness. No grace. And no talking to them. Because if it’s that black and white, they can’t be bothered with anything grey.
November 19, 2009 at 7:54 pm
The leaves above are very beautiful, by the way, especially the red one.
It’s so difficult to deal with others’ intolerance and hatred. You find your self HATING and INTOLERANT of such attitudes and it’s so self-defeating. The difficult answer is compassion for their error and modeling of loving, accepting behavior for your children. Your kids will see that you like diversity and are not afraid of those who are different and will be fine. Whether you can affect the bratty kids is another story. At least show your beliefs with kindness and courage and you will have an influence, perhaps a profound one you might never know about. But it’s your duty as their teacher to say what you believe to them, I think. Thanks for an excellent post with some truly gorgeous photos to boot (gotta love those pearly peachy skies!).
November 22, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Tolerance breeds intolerance? How can this be?
http://ronmossad.blogspot.com/2009/11/tolerance-breeds-intolerance.html
Historically, the indecent minority has only been able to succeed due to the indifference of the decent majority. Understanding other cultures and peoples is a wonderful approach to life, but enabling intolerant cultures (that seek to restrict our own freedoms) is where we must draw the line.
November 23, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Tolerance 1 and 2 were very thought provoking posts Louise and well written. There is something very fundamental about children. They are open books, ready to be written on by those who are nearest and dearest to them. Primarily this is usually parents but also their peers. There is nothing crueler than a group of children for picking out what makes an individual ‘different’ from them and attacking it mercilessly.
Sorry to say but this is a very base instinct. I remember when I lived in Africa, two incidences that stuck in my mind – firstly a white baboon that was born into a troop that lived in our area. It was a strong and healthy animal but it and its mother were repeatedly attacked by the rest of the troop until eventually they were pushed out of the troop and wandered alone. For a prey animal like that, this is a dangerous scenario and sure enough one night a leopard attacked and killed them. Secondly, in the local African village a boy was born albino. As you can imagine he was extremely conspicuous, eventually he was driven out of his village and lived as a vagrant for many years before just disappearing.
As a species we are horribly intolerant of anything perceived as different from the norm. It is an extremely ugly trait and I hugely admire you for taking a stand by teaching your children to admire and cherish all the amazing things that make us all different, unique individuals.
November 25, 2009 at 11:54 am
Enjoyed your post — but I have two comments (and let me give a little background, Irish-American raising a multi-racial child) — as far as the legs comments — I would tell your daughter that her legs are strong and healthy and work just the way they are supposed to — and that is worth being thankful for. I have very strong legs and were subject to comments about them (even from my mother). When I begin doing long distance running and figured out that my legs were a strength not something to hide, I felt differently about them (and realized how lucky I am to have limbs that work, not everyones do), comments never bothered me again and just stopped (as soon as they realized it didn’t bother me, it was useless to make fun and comment),
My other is just my little pet peeve…to me, to tolerate something is to deal with it even though you don’t want to — you tolerate a head cold, tolerate traffic, tolerate rude people — but you don’t “tolerate” people who are different from you. I prefer the word accept — or acceptance. I have taught my son to accept others and their difference — and see the different gifts that other people bring to the table, but tolerance is still keeping a division….not allowing or accept those difference — just simply bearing the annoyance of those differences. I would much prefer lessons of acceptance and openness than tolerance.
December 8, 2009 at 10:46 pm
[…] The first part is On Tolerance, Part 1. The second part is On Tolerance, Part 2. […]